“Donald Trump walks into a bar……………..no, Trump’s a too easy target these days, let’s pick on someone not so hated already.

Stephen Hawking walks into a bar…………..”

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“A recent survey showed that over 83% of scientists will vote to stay in the European Union. A similar poll of Gardeners showed that 92% would leave, as they were keen to protect their borders.”

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“Terrible news today from Vietnam where three British tourists have died climbing a waterfall. Very sad for their family and friends of course, but I can’t help thinking that there are some things in life that are just best watched rather than engaged with. Bears are one, The London Marathon another, and I’m pretty sure that waterfalls would also appear fairly high up on my list.”

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“Drones frighten me. The thought that any idiot with a bit of spare cash can purchase a big bit of metal with the capability to fly over my head scares me shitless. If they really want to find a good use for a drone, why not hover over Jeremy Corbyn’s garden and attempt to locate the plot that he’s so very clearly lost.”

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“Obviously it is right and compassionate for the UK to take in 20,000 child refugees from Syria.

Apart from showing that we do have some humanity left in this country, the economy will benefit as we will no longer have to rely on Chinese child sweat shops for Adidas or Nike trainers.”

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“Does it worry you that astronaut Tim Peake managed to dial a wrong number from space?

This man is at the controls of a vessel weighing over 400 tonnes, circling the earth at a height of 400km. If I was interviewing him for the job, I reckon I would be making sure that ‘pushing the right buttons in the right order’ was very high up on his CV.”

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